...on life...

Well tomorrow after work, at 2 p.m. I'll be heading up to Olympia/Aberdeen area to visit with Anthony's father's side of the family. It should be interesting as he's told me many an amusing tales about that side so far. His dad who likes to drink. His military-almost butch cousin. His mormon grandma. His sketchy uncle. Yes it should be a trip to remember.

It's December 22nd and the Christmas "feeling" has just started to descend upon me. I get a certain twinge thinking about the activities ahead of me. The presents don't excite me because I've already gotten my one present I was supposed to get (hair straightener). The food, then? Maybe...but it doesn't look like we've created as many treats as usual though, probably since I'm not around to help due to hectic work schedule. Perhaps the movies that will be enjoyed christmas day? Also a maybe, seeing as I haven't watched a single season-related video yet. I don't know what it is...I think I'm just too busy for the feeling. And that's really sad considering I won't be a "teenager" any more come this next year. And THAT is what scares me. I want to remain 19 forever. So does anyone know the location of Tuck's spring?

anyways, I got a B+ in my lit class, which was surprising and nice. Unfortunately I also got a B in my music class, which is enfuriating and NOT nice. I'm going to have to confront him about it, seeing as my class participation should have skewed it more towards the A region, and I don't fathom having done horrendously on my Final so WHAT DA FUCK DUDE!

wish me luck, on all levels. on life. ........yippee!!

expose my soul

Even as my mind drifts, and I can't seem to focus;
You come to mind, in slow, and subtle drifts.
You come in slow blinks, smiles, memories
Always etched in my mind, even as I am unfocused.
So tell me, life, what is this?
Tell me, experience, what could this mean?
These thoughts of you, interrupting nothing
Yet leaving the impression of everything.
It's not unwelcome, and it's not too confusing
It's just surprising, in a plesant and satisfactory way.


Long time no update. First thing is first: TOOL was amazing, as expected. I must go onto their online site and see the images they have of the portland show. I bought a $70 sweatshirt but it was worth it. Also, I went snowboarding for the first time this last Friday, at Mt. Hood Meadows. It was SO much fun, despite being ridiculously sore in my arms for the next two to three days. I took their $40 deal: boot/board/bindings rental, 2-hour lesson and buttercup ski lift pass. Before my lesson I fucked around on the board for about 3 hours with the help of a snowboard lover. So when I finally went to the lesson I got the hang of things pretty quickly! Maybe on my third day I will be able to safely ski down the big slopes, but even as I say that thinking about it terrifies me.

I have yet to start much less finish my christmas shopping. My parents said: no presents this year, but my mum can never contain herself so there always are. I feel like I've been spending so much money lately, what with booze, snow-related activities and items, and now christmas, I am sort of panicking about school money. I MUST start checking out schools and putting in applications for the 2008-2009 school year, most likely away from Clark.

Anyways, all around things are looking very well for me. My heart is satisfied and I am surprised and pleased almost on a daily basis. Who would've thought.

any good book recommendations?

plannings

I spent around 3 hours on the internet today, looking over my college credits and seeing what else I need. I get to register for winter term tomorrow, and finding a good schedule that encorporates both interesting classes and work-time is difficult but I think I have it almost figured out. It was a decision of choosing between Philosophy of World Religions and creative writing, but a helpful tip from a friend said that although the topic [of philosophy] is interesting...the teacher is not. So it looks like I'll be taking CW and Philosophy of modern logic (whatever that may be). *sigh* I hope everything works out. I can already see myself slipping away from the excitement of my future plans and distilling into the putrid world of "I'm young and I don't care."

In other news, the temperature here in the Pacific Northwest has drastically dropped, spinning our lifestyle into that of scarves, coats, and furry boots. This is a season that I adore...I seem to be missing the overall general ecstatica that I had last year, but it's buried in there somewhere.

oh, darn

My 8 o'clock class was canceled, which is a minor bummer since I was considering sleeping in today. So I find myself with some time on my hands, and a couple of thoughts floating about.
First off I'm in the library, and what do you find in libraries? That's right, books. So I was hoping to find something to read...I found myself in what was apparently the 'psychological' section and I picked up a book called "The Happiness Trip" and then my next book was "The Book on Love" or something along those lines. So when did we find the need to completely analyze all the best feelings and emotions? I mean, I understand when it comes to serial killers and the fact that society wants to find what pieces they are lacking (happiness and love perhaps perhaps??).. but for us normal people, don't we just want to feel it and experience it and share IT. I want to share it, I definitely do.

Anyway, countdown to TOOL is still in progress. I am listening to them now and just looked up the meaning of H lyrics...very intense. The gift of saying something but not specifically literally but twistedly (using word adjectives) so the meaning is there but hard to understand- that is just simply amazing. Maybe that's why music is such a big part of everyone's lives: everyone knows the meaning yet we all apply some sort of personal element to it. Our own interpretations. This is such a girl thing to say but I still don't know what to wear to the concert, haha. And even though it is the week before finals, I still see myself missing the next day of school [thursday] because the event of seeing TOOL is one for celebration. How so, this is still open for processing.

Some recent updates: um, nothing really. Besides the fact that my FUCKING NAVEL PIERCING GOT INFECTED. But it is slowly getting better now. I have five months and three weeks left of full healing to go. Um, yes, I am happy. And like I said, I want to share it.

recovery

Today there is no school, and what better day to allow my throat, my lungs, liver, and my mind to recover from unhinged weekend abuse. The only complaint is that this isn't regular recovery, I think I'm starting to get sick =(. Also, I got my navel pierced and even though the piercer swore by his work and said that he'd never pierced crooked before, unfortunately I think it's crooked. It hurt like hell when I got it done so I don't know if I want to go back and get it fixed.

Right now is perfect: I've got a delicious spiced cider candle on, I'm in comfort in my bed under a blanket, laptop on my knees, Toxicity in the background, copying cd after beautiful cd into itunes, about to start on some homework. There was a storm last night, and driving home through my neighborhood, the roads were completely covered with a nice coat of needles and leaves. Looks like it's picking up again. If I feel up to it, strong enough, maybe I'll take a walk outside before it gets too dark. The clouds are so powerful looking, and the wind is simply chilling. I love this type of weather. Makes me feel extra cozy in the house. There is a smell of faint brownies too, which just tops it all off.

So... If one just opens up a little, eye contact and physical touching, getting over rejection or fear, then it's worth it. I finally released my neutral-hold on, whatever, and am happy with the results. Which doesn't mean I'm going to throw all caution to the wind, but I am definitely making the baby steps to relaxing the strangle-hold to first my mind, then my heart.

le sigh

Mother douchebags, no matter how happy I am there always has to be some sort of moment that sneaks up on me and catches me off guard. It's Halloween tomorrow and besides working I have no idea what I'm gonna do...that too makes me uneasy. I guess I'm just a planner by nature. I like having plans and if I don't then I feel lost and lonely. Sad, no?

Anyways this weekend was amazing. I'm not gonna bother going into details since it's already a thing of the past. I'm psyched for FRIDAY and the STATIC-X CONCERT that will hopefully HAPPEN seeing as DOUCHEBAG DILDO KORN CANCELLED the GODAMN portland show. Hopefully my lobsterluv will be accepting of me for hang-outs on thursday!

I bought a sketch book drawing pad, in hopes of pumping up my artistic side. My first page is of 'Psychic Mona' drawn at AIP in the computer lab while Shannon did her project...s'aight. I was just mostly bored. But my plan tonight is to get really drunk and then try drawing a tree or something. Besides I've been doing yard work and house work and the place looks good. Those two sentences held very contrasting topics. My apologies.

ps. lamb of god reminds me of Dethklok, which makes me laugh, and allows me to actually listen to them without being terrified for my life and my eternal soul.

pff, the dutch

I believe it's time for another one of these updates. I have been pretty busy lately, with various assorted activities that include but is not limited to: spending time with some of my favorite people, observing Transformers, school and the work connected with, actual work and the serving of food and drinks, reading.
I've picked up the Witching Hour again, since most of my free reading time is spent with textbooks and Shakespeare [booooooo!]. Othello is the play of the day, and either I am getting dumber or I just can't fucking understand what the hell is going on. You pick. Anyways, I love how she [Rice] usually bases her main story in modern day times (Lestat as an '80s rockstar, Rowan as a neurosurgeon), but most of the actual contents is of some long ago story. Usually French. Always rich. Apparently she observes these as the ideal lifestyles. I would only pick the latter.

Halloween is approaching! Today was an absolutely gorgeous day (74 degrees F!) so I raked...and raked.....and raked...and the yard is still covered in leaves. Since any sparse wind that happens by shook the tree some and then I just gave up. But I did make some of those pumpkin leave bags for one's lawn. And also little white ghosts that I hung up on branches in the yard. That's about the extent of our decorations, which is more than any of the other neighbors. Whatever happened to the dedication of ghouls, blood, and skeletons on this most auspicious of days?! Come on people, I need a little more dread!

Speaking of which..witch...I am going with Shannon to Scream at the Beach on Thursday. Definitely one of Portland's tamer haunted houses, but who's to complain...plus I don't think I'll have enough time for some of the better ones =/. Nor the money. I just spent 83 bucks on 3 static-x tickets. Good thing they are one of my favorite bands.

This is my twelfth post.

korn, track 11, untouchables

I recommend any alcoholic slutty straightforward kind of girl to read Chelsea Handler's book My Life Horizontally because it is very inspiring. Also, for the regular person, it is absolutely hilarious. A collection of one night stands gone wrong , drunk adventures full of lies and liars and who doesn't want to read that! [I was only being 12% sarcastic because it's actually worth the read].
I used to be moderately annoyed by her show on television "Chelsea Lately" but now understanding the type of lady she was, it gives me a whole level of respect and admiration, as well as...well, you just have to read the book, it's crazy thinking about people living like that in all reality and I admit, it makes me slightly jealous [the alcohol not the men].

Anyways, I have to kill time so I can finally start writing my paper. Tomorrow, all sober and sane, I will most likely delete this post because it's stupid...but until then...

dick of the day

I wasn't exactly mean...but I might as well have been. And is it strange of me to feel bad, considering the circumstances?
The conditions of me getting my money back is to hang out with the ex. SO I bring over the most brutal show ever (Metalaco.) because he's into metal, should get a kick out of it. Slightly awkward, I am 'listening' to him even though I am mostly watching the show, besides how long can one listen to an ex talk about how much "fuckin beer I drink. oh god I party so much" etc. horrible etc....
He goes through 3 or 4 coors lite in the hour and perhaps half that I am there, really no big deal, but he turns to me and says "As you can see I drink a lot of beer"...as if I didn't pick up that little fact from the REST of the conversation. Eyeing his gigantic belly (=/ I know, what did I ever see in him?...honestly he was a sweet guy) I lean over and slap it and say "yeah I can tell."
Overdone? Out of bounds?
When I am out the door I say "See you next monday, when I drop off such and such movie [that he asked to borrow] and I pick up my next $100." And thus I leave. That's the only part I actually felt bad about...the fact that I leave on the note of "you still owe me lots of money so it looks like the only reason we are hanging out is for me to get paid" [kind of is], but he brings up the beer comment in a later text saying along the lines of "Don't worry I will sell that car and get your fucking money so you don't ever have to see my fat ass again."
Is he being a drama queen or am I really being a dick?

DO YOU FOLKS LIKE COFFEE?!

I watched Metalocalypse like 3 or 4 times yesterday. It was brutal. I want to show it to everyone I know. Friends. Family. Enemies. School mates. Future dinner. Past lives. Anyone who appreciates COMEDY and METAL!

this is all

live news coverage

"The teenagers of America kill hundreds of brain cells every weekend. The future, our children of today, no matter if they are dedicated college students, hard workers, or the average joe, engage in such recreational sports which include sex, drugs, and alcohol. One must wonder, if the previous generations involved themselves in such lewd behavior as much as this one. Was it just as luring a sport as it is now, these Smirnoff drinks and bowls of herb? And the music we hear on the radio, such artists as TOOL and Yeah Yeah Yeahs, with their unusual onstage antics and enticing lyrics, are probably not preventing this type of behavior also. These rock'n'roll bands, the sex appeal and ideas of independence and heartache, create the perpetual background noise that the young adults are never without. The invention of the ipod can allow them to be plugged into the music world twenty-four-seven, oblivious to the worldly going-ons.

Children of today, I ask you is it normal to care little about the future, but rather focus only on the present? The next school exam perhaps, or the next high, whether from life or chemical substances. Because this youth of ours is so fleeting, we figure that an open mind and an adventurous heart will allow us the time of our young lives, before submitting to the housewives, to the lawyers, to the offices and to the bills."

Oh em gee, TOOL is touring West Coast. Portland show December 5th!!! After seeing this concert, I can safely say I would be willing to die and still say I lead a fulfilling life. Except I'd rather not die and instead continue to witness many other concerts, but you know what I mean. I had an amazing weekend. The Pink Floyd lazer show was rad, the geometric moving images made me feel as if I was actually flying through tunnels and rolling around like a ball, instead of looking at a giant white domed ceiling while seated. This week should go by fast: no school monday [doctor's appointment], no school friday [teacher work day], no english wednesday and michael ian black show, work thursday...

I now have to stop procrastinating and start on my homework. adieu

sunday splendor forest

Polish Festival is this weekend! I went last night with my parents and met Shannon there. A lot of people showed up despite the weather. All the previous years it's been on a hot hot weekend, but here in the Pacific Northwest our summer's already ended. I definitely don't mind the rain, but perhaps some sun a little longer? But everyone knows my favorite weather is blue skies and bright sun, but frosty temperatures. Creates a good atmosphere for walks with hot chocolate.

I was able to see some friends from High School this weekend. People I haven't hung out with in a while, or haven't even seen for a year and a half. People who haven't changed necessarily in style or physical attributes, but a change in the way they talk, perhaps, or who they choose to hang out with, or who their boyfriend/girlfriend is. These sorts of things are amusing since it's usually seeing very proper "good" people use more profanity than I do. Interesting times.

I love Sundays. I love finishing up homework and then having time to pretty much just lie around and read. Maybe go on the computer. Mostly just lie around. Except I haven't finished my hw yet so it isn't as blissful as it should be.

One of the best foods in life: macaroni & cheese [from a box]. I used to hate that stuff. Also: delicious fruit Italian sodas from Target. Nothing of substance. I guess the philosophical mood hasn't hit me just yet. Except it might be true. That single guys and single girls can't be just friends. Because sometimes that would be nice. But other times it's better how it is anyway.

survival

Well I made it through the first week of school. I awake at 6:30/7:30, go to school at 8/9, and am done by eleven. It goes by really quickly, leaving me with lots of free time. Time for homework and some small work hours. Time for walks and getting lost. Um, I put out a lot of resumes and applications on wednesday. Peet's Coffee is promising, as they had a job fair and on-the-spot-interviews. I think I impressed her with my awesomeness.

But I don't feel so awesome right now...so maybe I will blog later =/

this is the end

Oh how bittersweet, this feeling of end. This conclusion of time and emotion, and the start of a new era. The beginning of stress, and learning... and distance.

I'm talking about the last day of summer, because tomorrow is the first day of fall quarter! And I feel like an appropriate summary should be made. So I'll will myself to do. I'm such a passionate person, I feel so much emotion [most of it so so bittersweet it almost overwhelms me] about events that shouldn't be felt much about at all. Looking back is both satisfying and frightening...at how quickly it went by.

The beginning of summer seems so far away, almost like a blur. I remember the relief I felt from all the stress of school, of finals and my new plans for the rest of my life. I decided to give up a major in Chemistry, and no longer be a pharmacist, but rather, an English professor. I remember making plans with friends, about going hiking with Deanne, or camping with my boyfriend Dan. I remember the thought of three months of freedom. Of working hard and saving money, of late night drinks and nature walks. God, I could start all over again, I want another three months of freedom, I'm still not ready for school.

But my daydream has to end sometime. I've got to fall from the sky and land in reality sometime. I took a week to go to California, and that was definitely a good experience. It reminded me of who I am. That I love my family, that I love rock music and being tough. It reminded me that I don't need to be dragged down by people of no vision, no hope. And it reminded me of how I am pretty, and desireable, how I shouldn't be afraid of rejection, when what is objectionable is not always obvious. In short, my brother helped me out a lot.

Not two weeks later I broke up with Dan. We had dated for sixteen months. Much longer than either of us thought. He had plans for us, to live together, to drink together. And that was it. I .......I never had plans for us. From the beginning, the first kiss and the ultimate attraction, I never thought to the future, but the now. At least with him. I knew that it wouldn't be a lasting one but one based on fun. Maybe that's why it didn't work out. But I thank God it didn't.

It was the second time we broke up [we got back together two weeks later the first time], but I knew it would be the final time. I didn't want to hurt him. But I didn't want to be hurting. See pure lonliness drove me back, not because I still loved him, but the fact of going from having someone to always lean on, to not having anyone at all...that was complete lonliness.

It was fate itself that I started hanging out with Anthony from work the exact day after I ended my relationship. I hadn't hung out with a male friend in sixteen months. It was new. It was exciting. And it definitely helped build me up. Build up my confidence and my people skills and my true personality. As a friend, he helped me get away from lonliness.

The Second part, as I like to call it, was both an awesome and trying summer time. I worked a lot, which I loved, and played a lot. I went to a many concerts, I watched a lot of Avatar =D, I cried some, but only once. And there's no need to say how much I drank. Because before, going to the same damn house with the same fucking gross beer [Coors lite] was too boring. Not to say that many of the times I refused to go to Dan was because I was honestly too tired from work, and just had more hours in the morning. But with my new friend, it was always about what I wanted, and even now I feel like a spoiled little girl. It's been too long since I've felt like that.

And then came the empty weekend, when I had planned on going to rod run, but instead was immensely bored, those four days off of work, only too ready to go back to my job. I soon find that I have three weeks of little to no hours. The club is slow, and there's almost a certain agenda against me, my poor work skills [thus the training], the little hints that I should move on.

Most details left out it was both a slow and a good summer. Slow in the beginning, but good at the end. I can honestly say it was ended in the best way, and that last night was probably the best good night kiss I've ever had.

So bring on school and stress, and hopefully, love.

twelve levels of camping

I went camping last night, at Sunset Falls. Washington is so absolutely beautiful. Pretty easy drive, very scenic, I had some difficulty getting the right road with some moderate backtracking but overall we made it. I found the exact spot I went camping with the Twins a couple years back, it has direct creek access and is away from the road with lots of possible tent clearings, a big firepit made by someone, and for some reason large boulders in these circular designs.
I brought a boombox and bought batteries, but of course not enough batteries, so I had a lot of quiet nature time to myself, since camping partner slept until 4:30! But one would be surprised about what sort of sounds your mind makes when alone in nature. Crows and trickling water and birds sometimes sounds like children laughing, which is moderately creepy.
It was a lot of fun, of course, despite the night's temperature. A sleeping bag and three blankets apparently weren't enough because it was COLD COLD COLD COLD COLD. Good thing I was twelve levels of intoxicated or else that might've been a much more unpleasant situation. Instead I felt cold but slept right through it.
I'll spare the camping drunk details but we've decided it's our official spot now.
In more good news I'm up in Seattle with Shannon tomorrow. We are on a museum and dinosaur mission. It will be gloriously educational.

omg tequila

Many say that witches favor cats because they are the physical portayal of a metaphysical being. Able to go between this world and the next, cats possess a defiance and self-confidence necessary for such spiritual translations. Their eyes glow at night, when caught in certain light, and they are armed with wit, balance, and sharp implements. These very elements are what give them such an otherworldy appearance. Feline grace is woven hand in hand with the supernatural appeal.
And I met two such nice and witchy-looking cats when on a pleasant walk the other night. And very witch-looking houses. I wish I were a witch. And I don't mean in the generic "Harry Potter" sence, nor the haunting Mayfare witches [Anne Rice's the Witching Hour, although I just started reading it and haven't actually reached the part about any witches, but so far the book is slightly haunting with it's hand-oracles and gentlemen ghosts and whatnot]. But rather the "I lead a normal life but with certain enhancements" type of witch. I would make potions and catechize the night skies to help a friend's love-situation or badluck run. I would make soups in the same cauldron I make goodluck guck. On Halloween my house is the most decorated and the pumpkins on my doorstep are magically animated. My favorite shoes are 17th century victorian lace-up boots with a curled toe, but most of my wardrobe is Target haha.

Anyway I digress, I digress.
I thought a main character was going to die, in the last Harry Potter. SPOILERS!! And him dying then coming back doesn't count, but I was very shocked about one of the twin's death. And then the epilogue was a little lame, and there were too many kids and names at once. But overall very enthralling, quick and good read. I'm now onto The Book of Joby I randomly found at Borders and convinced someone to buy. About a bet between Lucifer and God. The language is a little heavy, but I think it's well written so far [isn't that a straight up contradiction?] The main character is a young boy...so that was definitely unexpected.
yum, books

apologies

I left in a bit of a hurry last time before I could properly finish my post. And you've probably guessed why I left so abruptly [spaghetti]...but now I have a quiet moment to arrange my thoughts.

I bought koRn tickets today, teehee, the show will be both awesome and hilarious at the same time. As much as I absolutely love rock, the NU metal bands still make me laugh. It'll be on the 28th of October and I've heard rumours that many of the attendees will be dressed up for halloween. As insecure with myself as I am, this oppurtunity to be in full-fledge costume during a public event [and not specifically on Halloween the day] cannot be passed up. I'm thinking....'50s housewife zombie? Any objections? I hope the group I'm going with will also dress up. And then, just five days later, I've got another show, STATIC-X!! Hopefully tickets won't be so insanely expensive [korn and friends was $45 not including tax for floor at the rosegarden]. And there will be lots of dancing, since X has influences of industrial.

Which reminds me I must retell my first Combichrist show! Basically lots of intruiging goth/industrial/weirdo people in a small area, all dancing to the rhythmic tunes of Netherlands band Combichrist. They played a really good set, but only played one more song after the encore. I think...I can't remember because it's already been a while back. I should've bought a t-shirt but oh well.

I've got a bit of a weekend planned. I haven't been to work this week, since my intense and hard working dedication is payed off with two weeks unemployment. What a rage that set me in! I immediately texted my love [Jenna] and retreated to, as I refer it "the Safehouse" for some avatar R&R and whatnot. She always puts me in a good mood =)! Anyway I went in for my check today and was hit with questions such as "oh wow I thought you were layed off and I was totally pissed!"

Yeah, that was definitely shocking. Good thing one of the "boss-men" was there and he said they will need me on Saturday. So I get at least one day of pay. And it's a banquet event so the gratuity will be automatic[ly set]. Friday, love comes over for Vancouver adventures, and maybe saturday night I'll go out to Bryan and Erin's apartment with Tony. Sunday...oh the ball is up my friends.

introduction to the 12 steps

Hello. I think I'll start this off with a proper introduction.
My name is Patricia B. I decided to start this blog from an impulse of sitting in my friend Jenna's kitchen, awaiting the delicious spaghetti that she's cooking, and her talking of her renewed blogging dedication. So you see, this isn't my first. Probably won't be my last. But I'll try to make it as interesting as possible.

The term "rubicon" doesn't mean the awesome Jeep automobile, but instead:
Ru·bi·con (rōō'bĭ-kŏn') Pronunciation Key
n. A limit that when passed or exceeded permits of no return and typically results in irrevocable commitment.

So you see, I am making a comparison between my own life, and the noun rubicon. There aren't necessarily any steps, but rather, these blogs that will lead you beyond the point of return, and into the mundane life of me.

dinner time...