this is the end

Oh how bittersweet, this feeling of end. This conclusion of time and emotion, and the start of a new era. The beginning of stress, and learning... and distance.

I'm talking about the last day of summer, because tomorrow is the first day of fall quarter! And I feel like an appropriate summary should be made. So I'll will myself to do. I'm such a passionate person, I feel so much emotion [most of it so so bittersweet it almost overwhelms me] about events that shouldn't be felt much about at all. Looking back is both satisfying and frightening...at how quickly it went by.

The beginning of summer seems so far away, almost like a blur. I remember the relief I felt from all the stress of school, of finals and my new plans for the rest of my life. I decided to give up a major in Chemistry, and no longer be a pharmacist, but rather, an English professor. I remember making plans with friends, about going hiking with Deanne, or camping with my boyfriend Dan. I remember the thought of three months of freedom. Of working hard and saving money, of late night drinks and nature walks. God, I could start all over again, I want another three months of freedom, I'm still not ready for school.

But my daydream has to end sometime. I've got to fall from the sky and land in reality sometime. I took a week to go to California, and that was definitely a good experience. It reminded me of who I am. That I love my family, that I love rock music and being tough. It reminded me that I don't need to be dragged down by people of no vision, no hope. And it reminded me of how I am pretty, and desireable, how I shouldn't be afraid of rejection, when what is objectionable is not always obvious. In short, my brother helped me out a lot.

Not two weeks later I broke up with Dan. We had dated for sixteen months. Much longer than either of us thought. He had plans for us, to live together, to drink together. And that was it. I .......I never had plans for us. From the beginning, the first kiss and the ultimate attraction, I never thought to the future, but the now. At least with him. I knew that it wouldn't be a lasting one but one based on fun. Maybe that's why it didn't work out. But I thank God it didn't.

It was the second time we broke up [we got back together two weeks later the first time], but I knew it would be the final time. I didn't want to hurt him. But I didn't want to be hurting. See pure lonliness drove me back, not because I still loved him, but the fact of going from having someone to always lean on, to not having anyone at all...that was complete lonliness.

It was fate itself that I started hanging out with Anthony from work the exact day after I ended my relationship. I hadn't hung out with a male friend in sixteen months. It was new. It was exciting. And it definitely helped build me up. Build up my confidence and my people skills and my true personality. As a friend, he helped me get away from lonliness.

The Second part, as I like to call it, was both an awesome and trying summer time. I worked a lot, which I loved, and played a lot. I went to a many concerts, I watched a lot of Avatar =D, I cried some, but only once. And there's no need to say how much I drank. Because before, going to the same damn house with the same fucking gross beer [Coors lite] was too boring. Not to say that many of the times I refused to go to Dan was because I was honestly too tired from work, and just had more hours in the morning. But with my new friend, it was always about what I wanted, and even now I feel like a spoiled little girl. It's been too long since I've felt like that.

And then came the empty weekend, when I had planned on going to rod run, but instead was immensely bored, those four days off of work, only too ready to go back to my job. I soon find that I have three weeks of little to no hours. The club is slow, and there's almost a certain agenda against me, my poor work skills [thus the training], the little hints that I should move on.

Most details left out it was both a slow and a good summer. Slow in the beginning, but good at the end. I can honestly say it was ended in the best way, and that last night was probably the best good night kiss I've ever had.

So bring on school and stress, and hopefully, love.