quick break

I want to take a quick break from putting together my creative writing portfolio. I so far have selected 3 poems, including the evolution of each poem: rough draft pieces, peer critiques, etc. Now I can either choose one fiction piece or one nonfiction piece, at least 5 pages in length. And seeing as both my best scraps of writing are around 3...I'll have quite a bit of work to do tonight yet. That's because once I write something, being the egotistical writer that I am, almost never go back to work on a piece again. I think I'll go with Richard Jogn Brown. I had some exciting ideas for him any ways.

Except crap I just remembered that it had to be as close to an actual short story (aka beginning to end) as studently possible. And I never write short stories. I always write the intros to novels. shoot.

I was just about to dive into a spiel on how I couldn't concentrate very well right now anyways, because a person who is newly realizing love never can and seems to continually and systematically think about that certain wonderful object of desire and bliss, but this new and drastic element involved with the very important item of point-possibility due tomorrow just straightening my mind wonderfully....

Until we meet again

reality and dreams

I keep having these dreams that involve depressing situations with the new boy. Like last night [my dream], he couldn't find a utensil of love [condom] so tried using a plastic bag. Come on guy, just give it a rest. So he leaves my room full-on naked to use the restroom and runs into my mum [who doesn't know we are having sex but probably suspects anyway] and she finds out and I am emotional, obviously. But he doesn't care so I ask if I mean anything more than a fuck buddy [and I distinctly recall this part of the dream] "except buddy would be pushing it since you don't seem to regard me in that matter either!" And he just nods and says that he is basically using me just to fulfill his carnal needs.
In reality I know this is not true. I know with all my heart. And I am not one to pay attention to any of my dreams because they are both random, colorful, and pretty fucking far out there. But this is definitely not the first of these dreams I have been having. These dreams that his and my relationship is wrong...that in the end I end up unhappy. Is this some sort of cosmic sign? Am I going to hell for dating this poor boy? As a matter of fact, after I woke up, not witholding, a little teary-eyed, as soon as I fell asleep had yet another dream of neglect and neutrality on his part.

Well, if my dreams haunt me, then let me stay awake since reality is much more delicious than my dreams. Ironic, because in books and movies it seems to be the other way around. So maybe I am blessed?

conflict N

My throat hurts, the last couple of days I've been under the horrible spell that is a new string of vicious and highly contagious cold. It came apon me right after my shift on saturday, which is life's little slap in the face, seeing as Sunday was the first Sunday off I had in about three judas fucking priest months. The result of the virus three days later is a weaker, more-disorientated me weiging 4 pounds less, which is quite frightening seeing as I didn't really have the weight to loose =(.

In other, more special news, I took a tour of PSU yesterday [monday] despite my weakened state. It was very exciting. I have a lot of info, and an application. Today if I have enough time inbetween the stupid yoga paper, poetry assessments, stained glass creating, FAFSA filling-out, English portfolio emerging, history final essay/question beginning look-over, and other things, I might apply. It's a $50 application fee but what is that in the extension of my education? The only thing I'm worried about is how I am gonna afford being a full-time student. I have to be a full-time student to get insurance, and plus I like being a student so always take as many clases as I believe I can handle. I live in Washington yet the school is in Oregon, they have the 'border-extension' or whatever where part time student don't pay out of state tuition, or I can take half my classes at clark and half at PSU but I don't think they're going to offer any of my classes at Clark. Speaking of which, unlike the other five semester where I was ready and waiting with my classes all picked just waiting for my access date...I can't think of any classes I want to take. I only need 7 more credits which is theoretically 2 classes, and I have all of my requirements almost done. Basically just general electives need to be filled up. And I don't want daily classes like I've been taking. I'm tired of going through a tank of gas every fucking 5/6 days. But they don't offer, oh let's say Latin, or ancient literature, or stuff like that. Granted there are still some interesting classes left to take, but as mentioned before they are either daily classes, too early, or in conflict with my work schedule.

Yes I can't explain how excited I am about PSU, and actually see a life goal begin to come into place. I should check and see if they have a list of classes available. I want to major in English, and then see if I can "minor" in the TESL certificate-which is Teaching English as a Second Language. It would be fun to live if not in a dorm, then an apartment near the school. The tour showed me just how much goes on every day free for students. Movies nights and theatre/plays, there is a gaming room and a freakin' bowling alley, pool, a big hot-spot cafe, and there are about 280 different groups formed. They have weekend excursions of river-rafting, snowboarding, hiking, and you can become a volunteer and eventually get paid. How awesome is that?!

"Pose unto the world, if not one's heart, then one's mind. As one's mind is the tool to the heart, therefore both will be exposed in the end."