12 steps to rubicon

A GRAND COMEBACK

2010-08-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yes it's been (practically) forever since my last post. I don't feel the need to dwell on tedious details of my personal life at the moment-I flatter myself that any cares :p-but instead want to create a new trend that was on my Summer List (of which I have yet to complete a single item!!). I can't even find my list at the moment, something like item #7: Create a blog and post one new learned thing per day!

I decide to suddenly do this with scarcely more than a month left of summer vacation (more than a month? you might say, yes well I have three months of vacation) based on several reasons, which I will state in a list (if you haven't figured out yet I am a fan of lists then you are a moron, also I am a BIG fan of parenthesis commentation....also, making my own words up).

My dad becons me over and proudly points to a new laptop he has just bought. Toshiba Satellite C655. "I will GIVE this to you. All I want is your old laptop (virus-ridden, 10 minutes battery operated, fan rattling old thing)...oh and $300 bucks." A new laptop for .3k? Excellent! (I come to find he bought it for only $400, are good laptops really that cheap?) So this sexy new beast, completely virus-free, quick-speed browsing, perfect, is dying for more attention than...
World of Warcraft. It has sucked up my time. It has caused relationship breaches (extremely pathetic and sad, yet true none the less). I feel I'm getting stupider. I don't read any more. We don't go for lovely walks in the summer evening heat. We just play and then argue.
Summer requires Anne Rice, no exceptions. What better atmosphere to read about the mysterious heat, flower laden scents of the New Orleans vampire than my own summer heated evenings, naked on the couch, the Builders and the Butchers wailing in the background, sipping on neat spiced rum or peach flavored sun tea? AAAND what better inspirations to write about myself than the dark and articulate musing of the Brat Prince himself?
And the last reason I decided to tack onto the end here, because I just realized it, I am laboring the write this. I used to be so eloquent! A master of words and synonyms, witty comparisons and poetic prose. It's time I return to a past-time I have enjoyed and dabbled in since first grade...writing.

So these elements combined to create what I wish to make my blog into:

Newly learned item #1? The Faroe Islands! Where are they located? What's their appeal? What languages are spoken?

They are some small, arrow-shaped islands north of Scotland and in between Iceland and Norway. Faroese is the official language, with a heavy influence from old (Viking) Nordic, which were the first settlements, but is now controlled by Denmark. These islands were created from volcanic rock/basalt, with a colder maritime climate very similar to Norwegian coasts.

Why did I choose the Faroe Islands? Well to be honest (which you can ALWAYS count me to be, especially on my own blog, whyever would I lie? sheesh), I didn't have anything better at the moment. But the point is to learn new things, and I happened to be browsing a favorite community site of mine and there was mention of said islands, I had no idea where they were located, though as soon as I looked it up I remembered searching this information before, and what better thing to post than what I had just newly learned. *Sigh* it may surprise you that a lot of work went into creating this post , I haven't done something like this in quite a while, but you can expect my posts to be overall more informative and knowledgeable, full of click-able links and images. Plus what I am currently listening to. Alas! Music is the physical gateway to the immaterial of feelings, spirituality, and mood.

Current Music: Shannon's mixes

p.s. I am an applied linguist, referencing is the name of the game for us, but I am ever the lazy person, all of the information I gathered is from the linked website. I avoid copyright issues. The images are from google search.

nostalgia

2008-11-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

I love...

~watching addicting shows such as TrueBlood, Dead like Me, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and so many more

~autumn, Halloween and my elf costume with pointy prosthetic ears

~reading good books

~my luscious comfy bed

~becoming temporarily obsessed and spying on interesting people's blogs (unfortunately my own lacks)

~ridiculously sweet machine lattes from 7/11

~learning in my linguistics class

~NOT my philosophy class and the ridiculous theories that don't make any logical sense

~bunnies! and kitties and puppies and all cute baby animals

~snuggling under a leaking-down blanket

~my gold leaf necklace that is very appropriate for the season

~the creeping feeling of coziness and Christmas that the onset of winter brings

~connecting with old friends and still keeping my current ones

~windy, dangerous bonfires on a lonely mountain

~wanting to be pagan! but really still believing in God (silly me, haha)

~nice strangers at work

~unusual people with no makeup and yet so beautiful because they are so different

~people watching, but looking away shyfully when some unexpected eye contact might happen

~mittens, scarves, fluffy coats, and silly hats to stave the cold

~accordians

~crazy scandinavian fairy metal!

~kisses

...and so many other things

2008-10-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Defenestration: to be thrown through a window.
Petrichor: the scent of rain on dry earth.

Strawberry Ponderings
Here in life, desire and emotions, are so dominating.
is there nothing more we find ourselves consumed by?
No greater interaction with universe, nature, or that ephereal
plane of existence where the substance of humanity means naught.
Perchance we obsess of sounds.
the tick in each tick and the knack of the burble.
Would the physiological orgasm brought by an audio stimuli be
enough to operate by?
And what of the soul? So invisible and containing no real matter.
One could say it ceases the substance.
Without our bread the sound, are we then condemned the sin of silence?
I am but a creature, indeed led by buried, loam-covered instincts.
no better than our neighbors.
This eases the world in mine eyes? Words of play and cute modifications?
Mysticism and magic, these are the orders sent by my god.
He commands that each dawn's wake is the tale of metamorphosis.
Cognitive, I ingest this prophesy with utter hope.

105 Degrees today!

2008-06-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

Just came back from camping at The Spot with Anthony. When I'm done I'll most likely go back to the post of us camping at the end of last summer, back when we were still "just friends" and had just met. So much has happened between that last camping trip and this one. So much along the lines of love, trust, commitment, everything! I can honestly say...I love him with all of my heart, would do anything for him and maintaining his happiness, health, and our relationship...and, and I can see myself honestly spending the rest of my life with him. He said something this morning, that absolutely made my heart jump. We were talking about weddings (since we recently went to one together) and I mentioned that at my wedding everyone will be required to dance, lest I KILL them! He laughed and turned to his brother and said "Well if Patricia and I ever get married either you learn to dance or you can't come to our wedding!"

Being the type of person I am, you know, viciously afraid of showing or saying anything that might betray hopeful thoughts or ideas of commitment, a statement like that really shocked me. We don't really discuss far future and whether or not we might still be together, so his mentioning a wedding dedicated to US...wow, I just hope I don't suddenly come down with a severe case of wanting to get married =p.

I finally got a reply for a pen pal, but for some reason I don't feel as much creativity to writing an interesting letter as when I first got the idea in my head. Of course I'm stoked and plan to write her this evening, but it might take me a while to brew what I believe to be the perfect letter.

*sigh. I just had the best 3 days possible. And I found out the best thing ever: showers involving 2

beautiful day

2008-06-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful outside, perhaps the last nice day for another week, and yet I am inside...dinking around on my compuer, eating old cheeselog and crackers, deciding if I want to walk to Borders today or not. I took a shower on intention of going out but I'm not sure that'll be happening, yet. I've been home a shocking amount this week, mostly because my mum went to CA to visit her sister for a week and my dad refuses to cook for himself. So I stay home because he needs a good dinner. And to tell you the truth I've been reminded of what a good cook I am. Yesterday we had teriyaki chicken breast burgers. Day before that it was ribletts, green salad with feta oil & vinegar and garlic bread. Tonight it'll probably be bratwurst with onion/tomato/cucumber salad. Balanced, healty, fresh =). It's been nice, very relaxing, I cleaned the house and seem to do the dishes like 5 million times a day although it's only the two of us. Here's a little something I found, on a new livejournal I stumbled upon. I like her

if i were a song, I would be... Tom Waits: out west; wumpscut: outside; the beatles: I want you; be your own pet: wildcat; lamb of god: again we rise; ladytron: last one standing; Fleetwood mac: dreams...I could go on!
If I were a month, I would be... october.
If I were a day of the week, I would be... sunday
If I were a time of the day, I would be... dying dusk.
If I were something from space, I would be... an asteroid field.
If I were a direction, I would be... north.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be... a bookshelf.
If I were a sport, I would be... fencing.
If I were a pleasant activity, I would be... strolling.
If I were a moment, I would be... bittersweet.
If I were liquid, I would be... absinthe.
If I were a precious stone, I would be... ruby.
If I were a tree, I would be... redwood.
If I were a flower, I would be... snap dragon.
If I were a colour, I would be... green.
If I were a feeling, I would be... inspiration, thoughful, spacey.
If I were a spice, I would be... mrs. dash haha just kidding... bay leaf.
If I were a book, I would be... thick, leather-bound, thesaurus.
If I were a cartoon, I would be... meatwad from aqua teen hunger force.
If I were a place, I would be... a tiny surf cabin on top of rolling hills of grain and grass, overlooking a misty ocean, with high cliffs, blue skies, giant fluffy clouds.
If I were a gesture, I would be... metal horns \m/

august

2008-06-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

I want pots of growing chives, mint, basil, and parsley in my kitchen window. I want pots of tomato and peppers outside on my patio. A little gargoyle will look over them. I want an open front room, almost no furniture, dying for dancing feet and blanket-wrapped bodies to nest. I want showers at 3 am and snacks at 4. I want a fridge full of yogurt, cheese, and deli sliced meats. My freezer will have bakeable pretzels. No high fructose corn syrup. My seasoning of choice will be seasoning salt, mrs. dash, and italian seasoning. There is no internet access and no cable. We will do crafts, try and make our own music, and watch the same movies over and over. And when we get bored, we will walk. And outside, all our favorite destinations will be within an easy distance. Bike to work and bike to school. Gas? Uneeded. Light-saving bulbs and frantic recycling rules. House warming, art night, dance night, daily naps. I'll have a bar of wine and GOOD beer. Fuck keystone after this. Forgive me, keystone, you're cheap. Photos of my own handiwork. Learn to knit and try to skateboard. I hope the library is near-by. Hot summer nights will be filled with the hum of fans. My baby, you're always welcome. My friends, you're always welcome. Too many tasks to let lonliness creep in; this is my life. I hope my roomate can stand heavy metal. Maybe even in the mornings.

it was hot in there!

2008-05-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

My insides hurt ;D

I find that electronica and/or techno and/or industrial really help me get my work done. Work as in revising all of the fiction pieces I have done for my class. And if there is one thing that isn't appealing to me, it is re-visiting pieces I have already written. I hate doing more work on a piece I thought I've finished, especially since I consider my work next to Godlike. duh

Speaking of God I send my prayers and hopes that He assists with me finding a new job. A good new job. One that I will really enjoy. And not feel uncomfortable or pressured or stressed at. IS that even possible? And then of course one that I will make enough money so that I can move out. Because I am so so ready. I have my resume for restaurants done. I almost don't want to do waitressing but I can't think of another good paying job in particular.

geez I can't even think of things to make my own journal entries interesting. I am completely devoid of inspiration and creativity. I need to make ONE more really good story, the final ten page story. I have rejected two started ideas already. I want something to do with a witch, and maybe a demon again. Because demons are totally my new fun.

trouble in paradise

2008-05-23T14:03:00.001-07:00

I am very...exhausted. And sad. Everything is ok, now, but I still live the after affects. I can't decide if this choked throat is boarderline tears or borderline relief. I found out that it isn't as easy to talk as I thought it was. I found out that it isn't as fierce as I thought it was. But I hope I am proven wrong. World: bring me some small distractions and summon tomorrow to come quicker. Tomorrow is all I desire for, now. And with it, even more relief, and is it too much to ask for a rekindling? At least to discover perhaps what was always there, and the prayer that I am all wrong.

scattered thought

2008-05-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

I found a new website that is pretty cool muxtape.com
The homepage changes every ten minutes or so so you're always able to choose from thousands of new playlists people put together, usually composed of 12 songs. There is a lot of slow indie bullshit but some people have good taste or I come upon one random song that I like a lot.

I haven't had much inspiration or creativity going through me...I want to continue writing about Richard John Brown [my antlered man] but also want to try out something new...can't seem to come up with anything though. I also haven't had time to read my Book of Joby, just write write write different papers and essays.

I know I have to get a job soon, but I like not working. I have so much free time to do what IIIIII want. Also I can actually go out and enjoy the nice fucking weather we finally got, up here in the Pacific Northwest. Back at the club I'd be listlessly watching the windows, inside, serving a bunch of fat old snobs. *sigh* I am actually very glad I'm gone from there.

But I have some plans: I want to try living independently. Well, with a roommate (it's all planned between us), but away from my parents I mean. As soon as I get a job, which will probably be within the next 2 or 3 weeks, I'll start looking for a cheap 2 bedroom apartment. I would say one even, since wouldn't mind the lack of personal space, but when my guy comes over....that might be a little awkward haha. So if I'm not ready for the bills and the money coordination and whatnot, I can always move back in and get ready for next time (before they leave for Arizona).

wants

2008-05-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

I want a penpal. Like the snailmail type.
I promise I would make every letter intruiging and artistic.
One will be bursting with anticipation to check their mailbox everyday just to see one of my beautifully decorated envelopes.
anyone? anyone?

please?

2008-05-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've got some time to kill since the class I'm observing is in "small group mode" and it doesn't really pertain to me. So I'll dink around with some of the ideas in my head...

First assignment for the undertaking of my project: read some good collections of short stories and decide what the elements are that make it so swell. It seems that the limited amount of these petite literary projects mostly pertain to everyday happens in the average joe's life. My short stories are about demons and such. Question: is there anything wrong with that?

I just realized my typing skills are atrocious and slow. Besides the point that this keyboard is related to a dinosaur.

Will this pertain to me?

I should probably just make a Zine before I try and put out this project. A zine has also been a secret wish for me. The nice balance between art and writing.

Hiking tomorrow! Slowly the weather is become more appropriatly spring-like. Blue skies shunshine and warmer weather. Tonight I'll be doing absolutely nothing with the one person who I love doing absolutely nothing with. Maybe there will be food involved. I love food. I'm hungry =(

proyekt

2008-05-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a little tired, and seem to have a mini headache, which makes me a little less enthusiastic than usual when it comes to what I am about to say. I've been musing about this on and off for a while. But I have set a new and difficult goal for myself this spring and summer. I have recently been enrolled in a couple of writing classes, which allowed me to go back to what I have always loved using my imagination for, since I was even able to write. As any writer, one always has at least small fleeting dreams of someday writing a book or novel. With my new writing classes I have been introduced not only to the art of writing short stories, but also to some very great books of collection of short stories. So I plan on putting together a collection of written stories, both fictional and non fiction. It'll be a rough eclectic product. I also want to include some little illustrations that I have done. I imagine it'll be a favorite for Portland citizens and indie literature entrepreneur around the world favorite!

I've got a couple of pieces, very strange ones indeed, that need to be polish-up before they can be added. As a matter of fact it'll be a very strange collection indeed. Demons and immortals and antlered business men and whatnot. I even have a couple of great sounding titles! But maybe I should work on the content before I come up with a title.

wish me luck, updates will be erratic

wholesome laughter

2008-04-30T17:03:00.001-07:00

I can't stand it anymore. I am so completely wholesomely intoxicated by words. By words and sentences and wisdom and intellect and knowledge. So I have to share. I want to share this feeling of the need to learn and study and know. Sitting in my observation classes, I look around at the students and their drowsy eyes and perpetually drooping heads, disinterested, disillusioned, disconnected. And then there is me, wanting to answer the questions and lead the discussions and know more more more. But instead I'd rather just sit and observe, take my notes and keep my thoughts silent.

I have come upon the phenomenon of short stories. Ellen Gilchrist's Drunk With Love. Stories of life and love and everything in between. The irony of loving one but ending up with another. The irony of loving one and them hitting you, abuse and pain. These stories are very simply written and just when I am the most unaware, I stumble on a beautiful tidbit jewel. A graceful sentence with all the right words and all the right meanings. That's what a short story is. All the other text to read is worth it. An entire book of reading is worth it to find just one sentence of brilliancy. I wish I can write like that. Except maybe all of my sentences beautiful and special. Someday I will write a book of short stories.

And the words that she uses! Such words like "solar plexis" and "bordello" and who uses such words? Everything is so clean and simple and BAM suddenly a strange word. It's very intoxicating indeed. And forever does she speak of laughter. All her characters are always laughing or giggling. I think it's a symbol of reassurance, that everything will be ok.

And you know, I do think it will be ok. It won't be according to what was planned, no, but then again it never is. Different is good. Change is good. And it will all be ok.

yeah yeah yeah

2008-04-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Everything has been ok up until this point. Maybe it's just the early morning and I haven't woke up this early in a couple of weeks. But I have a bad feeling...a sinking feeling. As if maybe I've done something wrong. But all I've been doing is homework homework and some little inbetween. Stress? Shouldn't be-as I no longer have a job and should be enjoying the initial full benefits of unemployment. It's just....something.

The weather hasn't gotten any better. Still dreary, raining, and cold. That's ok, for the most part. The music is good. The food is good (maybe a little too good). And the love is the best. Yet...there's something. Well watch I'll come back today and feel as happy as ever! I hope

appropriate timing

2008-04-16T22:49:00.001-07:00

Well,
today I got fired.
the End

dub

2008-04-07T13:43:00.001-07:00

My parents are always complaining how I'm almost never home. These last two or three weeks I might have slept in my own bed an average of 3/7 times per week, but as I sit here now, at home, I am reminded why I am never home: it's boring! I finally awoke/dragged myself out of bed at 9:50, ate breakfast while reading the paper. I took a shower, folded some laundry, did some school-associated paper, and am now twiddling my thumbs with what else to do. Oh granted I've kept myself somewhat amused :adding songs to itunes, drawing a little "gentleman devil" picture, and am now considering taking my doggie on a walk- I find myself astoundingly society-orientated. It seems that I much prefer the company of friends and loved ones, or even work, than being bymyself. Dear friends, there was once a time that I was as perfectly amiable on my own, as with others.

Anyways, as mentioned before I am waiting for my evening class that starts at 5 (my first evening class). It's an education class recommended for future teachers. It should be very interesting. I'm also in Fiction Writing, and Music Appreciation, which I hope is more wide-spread in musical tastes than History of Music. I wish I could've taken astronomy or geology or something like that but it didn't fit with my schedule.

Lasher proves to be very interesting. I'm also reading Pier's Anthony Hope of Earth, a series of short stories using the same clan characters representing the evolution of man through their activities and such.

I've really been into reggae lately. I got a compilation called "dubwise and otherwise" and just added dual discs of sublime:gold. It really relaxes me. I'm looking forward to the next couple of months: they're very busy! Did you know THREE of my friends are getting married this year?? I'm willing to wait, of course, for the RIGHT ONE, but I wish he would hurry up...I like the thought of getting married young. I've also got the ladytron and then children of bodom concerts, of which I hope I can both attend.

I had a bit of a scare friday morning. Thursday I was out with friends, had a couple of drinks, and although myself and others feel it's connected, telling the situation with my doctor on the phone she said it was purely health related..but I fainted twice. It was a horrendously uncomfortable and horrible feeling. I hope it doesn't happen again, but my parents are pressing me to get a checkup, which is smart, seeing as it might be connected to be abnormal heart palpitation spells and crazy fast heart beat (103 compared to my mom's 65). Thus it might happen again =/. I fainted the first time ON the stairs and thankfully Anthony caught me and held me up so I wouldn't fall down them. I woke up with my head facing towards the bottom and my legs somewhere near the top, I was so disoriented and felt sick that I wanted to be near a toilet. After the stairs the bathroom is just 4 steps away and yet I fainted yet again. I hit my head the metal part of the shower rolling-glass, slammed my hip into the side and fell halfway into the tub. I had a nasty cut which surprisingly didn't bleed as much as it should have. Poor A was so freaked he was shouting all sorts of obscenities and running around looking for bandaids and put me straightaway to bed. Overall it was a sg=hocking experience. I could've done without it, but secretly I think it brought us even closer together.

Anyways off to go take that walk

quick break

2008-03-19T21:22:00.001-07:00

I want to take a quick break from putting together my creative writing portfolio. I so far have selected 3 poems, including the evolution of each poem: rough draft pieces, peer critiques, etc. Now I can either choose one fiction piece or one nonfiction piece, at least 5 pages in length. And seeing as both my best scraps of writing are around 3...I'll have quite a bit of work to do tonight yet. That's because once I write something, being the egotistical writer that I am, almost never go back to work on a piece again. I think I'll go with Richard Jogn Brown. I had some exciting ideas for him any ways.

Except crap I just remembered that it had to be as close to an actual short story (aka beginning to end) as studently possible. And I never write short stories. I always write the intros to novels. shoot.

I was just about to dive into a spiel on how I couldn't concentrate very well right now anyways, because a person who is newly realizing love never can and seems to continually and systematically think about that certain wonderful object of desire and bliss, but this new and drastic element involved with the very important item of point-possibility due tomorrow just straightening my mind wonderfully....

Until we meet again

reality and dreams

2008-03-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

I keep having these dreams that involve depressing situations with the new boy. Like last night [my dream], he couldn't find a utensil of love [condom] so tried using a plastic bag. Come on guy, just give it a rest. So he leaves my room full-on naked to use the restroom and runs into my mum [who doesn't know we are having sex but probably suspects anyway] and she finds out and I am emotional, obviously. But he doesn't care so I ask if I mean anything more than a fuck buddy [and I distinctly recall this part of the dream] "except buddy would be pushing it since you don't seem to regard me in that matter either!" And he just nods and says that he is basically using me just to fulfill his carnal needs.
In reality I know this is not true. I know with all my heart. And I am not one to pay attention to any of my dreams because they are both random, colorful, and pretty fucking far out there. But this is definitely not the first of these dreams I have been having. These dreams that his and my relationship is wrong...that in the end I end up unhappy. Is this some sort of cosmic sign? Am I going to hell for dating this poor boy? As a matter of fact, after I woke up, not witholding, a little teary-eyed, as soon as I fell asleep had yet another dream of neglect and neutrality on his part.

Well, if my dreams haunt me, then let me stay awake since reality is much more delicious than my dreams. Ironic, because in books and movies it seems to be the other way around. So maybe I am blessed?

conflict N

2008-03-04T15:16:00.000-08:00

My throat hurts, the last couple of days I've been under the horrible spell that is a new string of vicious and highly contagious cold. It came apon me right after my shift on saturday, which is life's little slap in the face, seeing as Sunday was the first Sunday off I had in about three judas fucking priest months. The result of the virus three days later is a weaker, more-disorientated me weiging 4 pounds less, which is quite frightening seeing as I didn't really have the weight to loose =(.

In other, more special news, I took a tour of PSU yesterday [monday] despite my weakened state. It was very exciting. I have a lot of info, and an application. Today if I have enough time inbetween the stupid yoga paper, poetry assessments, stained glass creating, FAFSA filling-out, English portfolio emerging, history final essay/question beginning look-over, and other things, I might apply. It's a $50 application fee but what is that in the extension of my education? The only thing I'm worried about is how I am gonna afford being a full-time student. I have to be a full-time student to get insurance, and plus I like being a student so always take as many clases as I believe I can handle. I live in Washington yet the school is in Oregon, they have the 'border-extension' or whatever where part time student don't pay out of state tuition, or I can take half my classes at clark and half at PSU but I don't think they're going to offer any of my classes at Clark. Speaking of which, unlike the other five semester where I was ready and waiting with my classes all picked just waiting for my access date...I can't think of any classes I want to take. I only need 7 more credits which is theoretically 2 classes, and I have all of my requirements almost done. Basically just general electives need to be filled up. And I don't want daily classes like I've been taking. I'm tired of going through a tank of gas every fucking 5/6 days. But they don't offer, oh let's say Latin, or ancient literature, or stuff like that. Granted there are still some interesting classes left to take, but as mentioned before they are either daily classes, too early, or in conflict with my work schedule.

Yes I can't explain how excited I am about PSU, and actually see a life goal begin to come into place. I should check and see if they have a list of classes available. I want to major in English, and then see if I can "minor" in the TESL certificate-which is Teaching English as a Second Language. It would be fun to live if not in a dorm, then an apartment near the school. The tour showed me just how much goes on every day free for students. Movies nights and theatre/plays, there is a gaming room and a freakin' bowling alley, pool, a big hot-spot cafe, and there are about 280 different groups formed. They have weekend excursions of river-rafting, snowboarding, hiking, and you can become a volunteer and eventually get paid. How awesome is that?!

"Pose unto the world, if not one's heart, then one's mind. As one's mind is the tool to the heart, therefore both will be exposed in the end."

happiness in the end

2008-02-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

ahh, TOOL still satisfies me in every musically possible way. Seeing as my own stupid self seems to keep myself from enjoying things too much. I am happy, and yet at moments- not all the time, just sometimes...why?!- I seem to always find something to make myself unhappy. Why? Why! Because I truely am happy.

Gave myself a four day weekend by not going to school on Friday. As a normal striving A student I now regret my decision and frantically hope that I did not miss anything significant in my Logic class. Never the less, leaving homework as a last-minute initiative for today [Monday], is a good idea seeing as the weather this weekend was absolutely gorgeous, making the club buuuuusssyyyyy, making ME busy, and I needed the rest and relaxation. BUT not all rest and relaxation it was, I got a lot of things done, two of them being going to an eye exam and discovering yet more eye-sight decrease, also some slight blood-vessel growth due to weekend contact sleeping [obviously very bad for le eyes], so I got some new glasses! They will arrive in two weeks, if not hopefully sooner. They're cute and spunky, so I should wear them more.

In more good news, my broken phone claim went through and I get a new phone this week! woopee! I was definitely getting uber tired of that horrible little brick I was toting around, putting aside the fact that I am ever grateful that at least I had a phone. Also the speed-text is strangely much better than my brand new motorola which is just suck, in my opinion. But now I am able to text, converse, and snap pictures freely. Oh and know who the heck is calling/texting me seeing as I would put in the same damn numbers into the book yet it never would store them.

and as I stare at the screen....with no crafty ideas of new content, this friends, is the end...

creative nonfiction prompt

2008-02-06T14:50:00.000-08:00

Its summer and outside its exactly 100° F. The black top street in front of my house has three levels of those dancing heat waves. All metal objects, like cars or mailboxes, are surrounded by those squiggle waves, obscuring details and making your head pound in an effort to focus. My house is thankfully enclosed by several giant fir trees, with their heroic shade cooling the house at least a pleasant eight degrees. Everything else is sweltering and warped in a failing effort against the sun and its rays.
If you creep inside the house, and slide the door to my room open, there, in the close-shuttered darkness, a sweat ridden body would be sprawled under a thin sheet. Legs askew and arms flailed above the head, my mouth might be slightly open, or partially closed, still I am restlessly asleep.
Heat, you see, makes me groggy, dull, and tired. I don’t eat, I just read in dark corners until my eyelids grow heavy and I slip down down down into the quiet depths of slumber. The process is slow. One moment I might be reading the same sentence over and over, and the next moment, I am dreaming about a conversation, or a lovely stroll. Its always a dream about a simple action. Maybe I am talking to my sweet-faced man, our laughs gentle and easy, and we walk in a world where the heat has not yet penetrated. It’s quiet, cool, and blissful.
But suddenly, like a leaf blown askew, faltering from its chosen path, I slip and feel like I’m falling. Suddenly, this feeling is real, in my dream…I feel real. And my body naturally tries to right itself and I jerk awake. Almost in surprise, I might look around and see my room, some subtle radio tunes emerging-muffled-from a speaker hidden under a t-shirt. The volume level one is too quiet, and level two is too loud. And indeed I realize: just a dream.
This is an endless cycle, happening countless times, doze and jerk, until true slumber is finally got, and the title nap is achieved.
I know people who can nap every day for hours-on the couch, on their bed, on someone else’s couch or bed-and still sleep like a baby at night. I have never been a napper. There is just too much to do during the day. Too many important tasks to check off, too many people to see. Besides summer, where I am basically driven into a disoriented, hibernating mode, my occasional nap is random, surprising, and few and far in-between. I just can’t fall asleep, sleep for the designated time, and wake up ready to roll. Instead I wake up twice as tired as before. My body is, for the rest of the day, wrapped in that feeling of dozing, that strange watery taste in my mouth no matter what I eat or drink.
At night though, I have little problems sleeping. It doesn’t matter if I am nervous about something. It doesn’t matter if I am stressed out. Maybe I had a bad day and my angry mood follows me to bed. Still, its easy for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. On the rare occasion, I may have the unsystematic night where I can’t fall asleep, or I wake up at four in the morning and cannot escape into oblivion again. Then I will lay there, tossing and turning, eyes open then eyes shut, wanting to do something but still hoping there is a chance that I could grow sleepy. This happens for no real reason that I can think of. Just a little chink in the everyday scheduled groove of our bodies. My superstitious parents blame it on a full moon.
There is of course, the subject of dreams. I’m shouldering a rifle, taking aim and about to shoot a zombie. I’m walking through my third grade classroom, commanding the respect of those around me, and making my horrible mean teacher a puppet of my supreme and god-like powers. I’m walking on an ancient bamboo rope-bridge, which spans a gaping canyon, until the boards crack and I’m falling into nothingness.
Oh yes, I can remember my dreams. I can remember scenes, and people, and moments that go back to my early childhood. I can remember swinging with Mary Poppins until we both jump off and land in a chalk-drawn world. I can remember waking up crying because my unicorn soul mate died and my heart was split in two (I liked horses a lot I guess). And the more realistic dreams, of trees and faces, sometimes I feel like I’m caught in a perpetual sphere of déjà vu. Wherever I am, when I encounter that feeling, it starts like I’ve seen that park in a dream. And then I think, no, I must have seen it first and then dreamed about it. And the more I think about it, the more that dreamy, spacey, confused feeling infuses me and then reality blends with my dream world.
When I was young, my nightmares were filled with vampires. Blood sucking, night-stalking foes of any normal warm blooded mammal and I was terrified of them. Being slowly exposed to the sexuality and sensuousness of such creatures while growing up though, slowly my fear disappeared and my psyche was conditioned into thinking that such a beautiful creature could never harm me. The same went for werewolves, such fuzzy creatures were just overgrown puppies really. And ax murderers never really made an appearance in my night-time entertainment, for entertainment it was with vivid colors and plot, character, and drama.
Sadly now, unless I get eight hours of sleep I can hardly remember my dreams. The brief memory stays with me before I get up and start doing the morning routine, then quickly the dream fades. They aren’t as strange anymore. They aren’t as vivid and thought-provoking. But at least I still have them.
When I am alone in the house, or during summer time when I don’t have to wake up early for school, I’ll turn the radio to volume two, and throw some clothes over the speaker to soften the sound. I can be alone, but I hate being lonely. The radio is just the tool I need to conquer that latter feeling. First, it provides that background noise which makes me feel like there is something happening, like there is life still around me. Second, when the djs talk, it also creates the comforting illusion that someone is there with me.
But sleeping alone is never as wonderful as sleeping with a partner. Arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled, forehead to forehead listening to each others’ breathe, and feeling heartbeats on chests or hands. Getting tired but not able to fall asleep with this warm body rubbing up next to you, reminding you of love and bliss and happiness. Sometimes its been five minutes, or even ten, their breath hasn’t changed but nothing’s been spoken, and after catching a quick glimpse of their closed eyes, you wonder if they are asleep. Sometimes I have to ask, in a quiet and crackling-awkward voice, just a whisper “Are you awake?” And the relief I feel when he opens his eyes and smiles. Relief because I want to be the one to fall asleep first, to have that feeling of supreme comfort and protection. There are no words to describe it. Everyone should feel it.
But even better is waking up next to that someone. The window is closed, and the covers are hot and there is that luscious sweaty sensation, thick as liquid chocolate and just as sweet. The first morning kiss is with parched lips and that annoying one long hair that gets in the way and makes us laugh. Trying to stretch out and getting an elbow in the eye, maybe feigning pain to sneak another head-cradling kiss.
Sneaking away from bed is fun too, though. Not the actual sneaking, but the idea of it. Unfortunately I never have a sexy reason to do it. It’s usually because its 6:30 am and I have to work at 7. I know I’ll be late but I want those extra five minutes caressing some exposed skin, kissing a shoulder. And then its difficult to slide away from a heavy arm, and do the knee-splits over the unconscious body, maybe dizzy and unbalanced from hours of laying and talking, then sleeping.
I can’t sleep very well in a bed that isn’t my own, though. Yes I might fall asleep, but I’ll wake up every couple of hours, never able to find that comfort spot. I’m not one to fall asleep in random areas either. My best friend in High School could fall asleep in every classroom, during lunch in the corner of our student lounge, and again on her couch while we’re watching a movie. She could drop her head and catch a few winks anywhere. I have never fallen asleep in class before, no matter how tired I am. It’s impossible. I have just begun to experience the uncomfort of sleeping in a car after a long trip, or the cramped nap of an airplane. I used to not sleep in either of those.
My favorite way to sleep is on my stomach, one arm tucked under a leg, the other at an angle under my head, feeling slightly like a snake. They say its dangerous to put a baby to sleep on their stomach because it could become hard for them to breathe, but my parents weren’t aware of this danger. And so for twenty years this is the way I fall asleep.
Sleep. I love to sleep. I love falling asleep and that satisfactory stretch after a particularly successful night of sleeping. I love being rested and full of energy. If I am unhappy with life and its circumstances, my minds “happy place,” my retreat, is the though to sleep forever. What’s funny though, is when there are too many social events to go to on the weekends, and I still have to work eight hours in the morning, my favorite saying is “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Well either way, at least I’ll be sleeping eventually.

brain hurt

2008-02-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Sunday. I worked. It was busy at first but slowed down, it was fun nonetheless seeing as I didn't hear of any good SB parties anyway. I did eat like a pig though: buffalo chicken wings, cheese sticks, jalapeno tatertots, etc. I have the excuse that LENT is approaching [wednesday] anyway and this year I will be giving up

chocolate and all candy-types
chips and "unhealthy" crackers
donuts, sweet pastries
fastfood
ice cream
pretty much all junk-food

so I might as well enjoy the shitfood while I can. I plan on getting a Cherry Chip shake from Jack in the Crack maybe tomorrow. I usually eat pretty healthy anyway but I do it more as a personal strength test [and to keep things interesting] than for a religious reason. I wanted to scare my boyfriend by saying that I was giving up sex, but I'm not that mean. He would have cried. And in a purely hypothetical world [as in if I wasn't joking] I wouldn't be able to do it either.

Tomorrow I have my first Logic Test. I'm pretty nervous seeing as 75% of our class grade is from the 3 tests we have in class. I'm pretty confident but I want an A in the class so these things always make me nervous. Also, this week is my birthday. I will be turning 20, and that fact doesn't scare me at all anymore. No [big] get together this year. The day before I am going to the very sexy Louis XIV concert though. I want to splurge at Urban outfitters too, since I have been in that store countless times but never actually bought anything as of yet. And then I will enjoy a nice bottle of wine.

So, old news: I lost my phone up on the mountain while boarding. We updated my plan and I got this awesome new "razr" the motorola w90 or whatnot. I had it for 2 weeks, and yes...I managed to drop it into the TOILET, while on the way to snowboarding of course. I have really bad phone luck when I plan on visiting the snow. So I immediately went to the wireless store and got this monthly insurance, I will try and see if my phone works ONE more time before we send it in and I get a new one. So for the time being I have this ancient brick of a mobile. When my fancy phone dropped though, I didn't even fuckin' hesitate man, I immediately stuck my hand into the water to fish it out. I did my best, like turn it off and take out the battery, and pretty much the only thing that doesn't work is the screen. The backlight still works, but I can't use it because I can't SEE anything. I was so disappointed with myself though =(

*smile* I'm in love

work of a genius

2008-01-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

Certain someone's have noticed a serious lack of blogging. I really have to go pee so I'll make it quick and I promise a better update eventually within the near future. This is my first writing piece for Creative Writing class. The prompt was: create a character that would not exist in real life, but does exist in your story. how do other characters in the story know this character should not exist in real life? How do they react to this anomaly?

And this is what I have created...a work in progress. All copyrighted thank you very much!!! Enjoy

Richard John Brown is a lost soul. He is confused about his life and his place in the world. He doesn’t have problems meeting women, but he has problems getting a second date. This makes him feel lonely although his overall friendliness and wit have got him a wide range of friends both close and those more like acquaintances. He works an office job as an advertising manager in Newsweek magazine. His soft brown eyes are usually hidden by black-rimmed glasses, and he owns more than a dozen suits with the appropriate matching tie. You will not see him dressed otherwise, nor without his trusty black briefcase. Some describe him as “charismatic,” “charming,” and even “meekly handsome.”
On Tuesday nights at seven he meets at the Spicy Tin Pub which is frequented by fellow employees to discuss the latest happenings in each others’ lives. On Thursday mornings he always grabs breakfast at his favorite café with his college roommate and best friend Roger Rice. Roger is married and has two kids, of whom Richard is the godfather of. Both men are thirty six. Richard drives the newest Volkswagen Jetta, and lives in a three bedroom apartment, although he lives alone. His retirement plan is to live in Switzerland.
In other words, Richard John Brown lives a normal and successful life. The only problem with Richard John Brown, are the two beautiful five-point antlers that are growing out of his head.
The strange thing though, perhaps even stranger than a grown man who is sporting real antlers, is the actuality that Richard is unaware of the fact that it is strange to have antlers. He believes it to be a rare human physical attribute, much like freckles or a hunchback. Rare, but human none-the-less. His friend Roger really doesn’t have the heart to tell him. His co-workers respect him too much to bring it up. And strangers are just too dazed to mention it, even the ancient and crazy homeless veteran at the corner of the Newsweek building hasn’t brought it up thus far. The crazy gentlemen believes, in fact, that it is a ridiculous joke at his own expense, and is thus too irritated to approach Richard.
And so Richard John Brown has spent all thirty six years of his life in the blissful ignorance of the peculiarity of his situation. His antler’s are not the direct factor to his confused life, they are rather the consequence of it. He is, after all, thirty six, and without a life partner, or even in the enjoyment of a relationship of such a possible future companion. Richard is depressed about his remaining single status, and has about given up all hope of meeting the right lady. This is the story of Richard John Brown, an antlered man, and his search for “the right lady.”
* * *

Seven fifty one a.m. on a Monday in mid-January and Richard is rushing towards the elevator at his job place. He nods a salutation to those who greet him, and is oblivious to those others who gawk at him. His antlers are dew-laden from the early morning fog outside, as is his navy blue suit.
“Morning Richard.“ Steven the secretary of recorded conversations from level ten sing songs in Richard’s direction. “I see you’re sporting your blue suit again. Ah the tradition of Mondays…”
Everyone who was in acquaintance with Richard John Brown knew that he had a habit of associating certain suit colors with the days of the week. Blue for Mondays, on the mentality that the weekend is already regretfully over. Black on Wednesday and Fridays. Pinstripe Tuesdays, and dark green Thursdays. And everyone in the acquaintance of Steven is under the understanding that he rarely wears ties, mismatches his socks, never combs his hair, and is even rumored to be commando at least fifty percent of the time. These factors are quite shocking to some, seeing that Steven is often at important business meetings with other companies and is supposed to be a representative of Newsweek ‘s work ethic and successful business front. Richard and Steven are neutral friends.
In the elevator, Richard is crowded next to two strangers and Missy the shy receptionist on his advertising level.

...on life...

2007-12-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow after work, at 2 p.m. I'll be heading up to Olympia/Aberdeen area to visit with Anthony's father's side of the family. It should be interesting as he's told me many an amusing tales about that side so far. His dad who likes to drink. His military-almost butch cousin. His mormon grandma. His sketchy uncle. Yes it should be a trip to remember.

It's December 22nd and the Christmas "feeling" has just started to descend upon me. I get a certain twinge thinking about the activities ahead of me. The presents don't excite me because I've already gotten my one present I was supposed to get (hair straightener). The food, then? Maybe...but it doesn't look like we've created as many treats as usual though, probably since I'm not around to help due to hectic work schedule. Perhaps the movies that will be enjoyed christmas day? Also a maybe, seeing as I haven't watched a single season-related video yet. I don't know what it is...I think I'm just too busy for the feeling. And that's really sad considering I won't be a "teenager" any more come this next year. And THAT is what scares me. I want to remain 19 forever. So does anyone know the location of Tuck's spring?

anyways, I got a B+ in my lit class, which was surprising and nice. Unfortunately I also got a B in my music class, which is enfuriating and NOT nice. I'm going to have to confront him about it, seeing as my class participation should have skewed it more towards the A region, and I don't fathom having done horrendously on my Final so WHAT DA FUCK DUDE!

wish me luck, on all levels. on life. ........yippee!!

expose my soul

2007-12-17T19:17:00.000-08:00

Even as my mind drifts, and I can't seem to focus;
You come to mind, in slow, and subtle drifts.
You come in slow blinks, smiles, memories
Always etched in my mind, even as I am unfocused.
So tell me, life, what is this?
Tell me, experience, what could this mean?
These thoughts of you, interrupting nothing
Yet leaving the impression of everything.
It's not unwelcome, and it's not too confusing
It's just surprising, in a plesant and satisfactory way.

Long time no update. First thing is first: TOOL was amazing, as expected. I must go onto their online site and see the images they have of the portland show. I bought a $70 sweatshirt but it was worth it. Also, I went snowboarding for the first time this last Friday, at Mt. Hood Meadows. It was SO much fun, despite being ridiculously sore in my arms for the next two to three days. I took their $40 deal: boot/board/bindings rental, 2-hour lesson and buttercup ski lift pass. Before my lesson I fucked around on the board for about 3 hours with the help of a snowboard lover. So when I finally went to the lesson I got the hang of things pretty quickly! Maybe on my third day I will be able to safely ski down the big slopes, but even as I say that thinking about it terrifies me.

I have yet to start much less finish my christmas shopping. My parents said: no presents this year, but my mum can never contain herself so there always are. I feel like I've been spending so much money lately, what with booze, snow-related activities and items, and now christmas, I am sort of panicking about school money. I MUST start checking out schools and putting in applications for the 2008-2009 school year, most likely away from Clark.

Anyways, all around things are looking very well for me. My heart is satisfied and I am surprised and pleased almost on a daily basis. Who would've thought.

any good book recommendations?

plannings

2007-11-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

I spent around 3 hours on the internet today, looking over my college credits and seeing what else I need. I get to register for winter term tomorrow, and finding a good schedule that encorporates both interesting classes and work-time is difficult but I think I have it almost figured out. It was a decision of choosing between Philosophy of World Religions and creative writing, but a helpful tip from a friend said that although the topic [of philosophy] is interesting...the teacher is not. So it looks like I'll be taking CW and Philosophy of modern logic (whatever that may be). *sigh* I hope everything works out. I can already see myself slipping away from the excitement of my future plans and distilling into the putrid world of "I'm young and I don't care."

In other news, the temperature here in the Pacific Northwest has drastically dropped, spinning our lifestyle into that of scarves, coats, and furry boots. This is a season that I adore...I seem to be missing the overall general ecstatica that I had last year, but it's buried in there somewhere.

oh, darn

2007-11-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

My 8 o'clock class was canceled, which is a minor bummer since I was considering sleeping in today. So I find myself with some time on my hands, and a couple of thoughts floating about.
First off I'm in the library, and what do you find in libraries? That's right, books. So I was hoping to find something to read...I found myself in what was apparently the 'psychological' section and I picked up a book called "The Happiness Trip" and then my next book was "The Book on Love" or something along those lines. So when did we find the need to completely analyze all the best feelings and emotions? I mean, I understand when it comes to serial killers and the fact that society wants to find what pieces they are lacking (happiness and love perhaps perhaps??).. but for us normal people, don't we just want to feel it and experience it and share IT. I want to share it, I definitely do.

Anyway, countdown to TOOL is still in progress. I am listening to them now and just looked up the meaning of H lyrics...very intense. The gift of saying something but not specifically literally but twistedly (using word adjectives) so the meaning is there but hard to understand- that is just simply amazing. Maybe that's why music is such a big part of everyone's lives: everyone knows the meaning yet we all apply some sort of personal element to it. Our own interpretations. This is such a girl thing to say but I still don't know what to wear to the concert, haha. And even though it is the week before finals, I still see myself missing the next day of school [thursday] because the event of seeing TOOL is one for celebration. How so, this is still open for processing.

Some recent updates: um, nothing really. Besides the fact that my FUCKING NAVEL PIERCING GOT INFECTED. But it is slowly getting better now. I have five months and three weeks left of full healing to go. Um, yes, I am happy. And like I said, I want to share it.

recovery

2007-11-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

Today there is no school, and what better day to allow my throat, my lungs, liver, and my mind to recover from unhinged weekend abuse. The only complaint is that this isn't regular recovery, I think I'm starting to get sick =(. Also, I got my navel pierced and even though the piercer swore by his work and said that he'd never pierced crooked before, unfortunately I think it's crooked. It hurt like hell when I got it done so I don't know if I want to go back and get it fixed.

Right now is perfect: I've got a delicious spiced cider candle on, I'm in comfort in my bed under a blanket, laptop on my knees, Toxicity in the background, copying cd after beautiful cd into itunes, about to start on some homework. There was a storm last night, and driving home through my neighborhood, the roads were completely covered with a nice coat of needles and leaves. Looks like it's picking up again. If I feel up to it, strong enough, maybe I'll take a walk outside before it gets too dark. The clouds are so powerful looking, and the wind is simply chilling. I love this type of weather. Makes me feel extra cozy in the house. There is a smell of faint brownies too, which just tops it all off.

So... If one just opens up a little, eye contact and physical touching, getting over rejection or fear, then it's worth it. I finally released my neutral-hold on, whatever, and am happy with the results. Which doesn't mean I'm going to throw all caution to the wind, but I am definitely making the baby steps to relaxing the strangle-hold to first my mind, then my heart.

le sigh

2007-10-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Mother douchebags, no matter how happy I am there always has to be some sort of moment that sneaks up on me and catches me off guard. It's Halloween tomorrow and besides working I have no idea what I'm gonna do...that too makes me uneasy. I guess I'm just a planner by nature. I like having plans and if I don't then I feel lost and lonely. Sad, no?

Anyways this weekend was amazing. I'm not gonna bother going into details since it's already a thing of the past. I'm psyched for FRIDAY and the STATIC-X CONCERT that will hopefully HAPPEN seeing as DOUCHEBAG DILDO KORN CANCELLED the GODAMN portland show. Hopefully my lobsterluv will be accepting of me for hang-outs on thursday!

I bought a sketch book drawing pad, in hopes of pumping up my artistic side. My first page is of 'Psychic Mona' drawn at AIP in the computer lab while Shannon did her project...s'aight. I was just mostly bored. But my plan tonight is to get really drunk and then try drawing a tree or something. Besides I've been doing yard work and house work and the place looks good. Those two sentences held very contrasting topics. My apologies.

ps. lamb of god reminds me of Dethklok, which makes me laugh, and allows me to actually listen to them without being terrified for my life and my eternal soul.

pff, the dutch

2007-10-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

I believe it's time for another one of these updates. I have been pretty busy lately, with various assorted activities that include but is not limited to: spending time with some of my favorite people, observing Transformers, school and the work connected with, actual work and the serving of food and drinks, reading.
I've picked up the Witching Hour again, since most of my free reading time is spent with textbooks and Shakespeare [booooooo!]. Othello is the play of the day, and either I am getting dumber or I just can't fucking understand what the hell is going on. You pick. Anyways, I love how she [Rice] usually bases her main story in modern day times (Lestat as an '80s rockstar, Rowan as a neurosurgeon), but most of the actual contents is of some long ago story. Usually French. Always rich. Apparently she observes these as the ideal lifestyles. I would only pick the latter.

Halloween is approaching! Today was an absolutely gorgeous day (74 degrees F!) so I raked...and raked.....and raked...and the yard is still covered in leaves. Since any sparse wind that happens by shook the tree some and then I just gave up. But I did make some of those pumpkin leave bags for one's lawn. And also little white ghosts that I hung up on branches in the yard. That's about the extent of our decorations, which is more than any of the other neighbors. Whatever happened to the dedication of ghouls, blood, and skeletons on this most auspicious of days?! Come on people, I need a little more dread!

Speaking of which..witch...I am going with Shannon to Scream at the Beach on Thursday. Definitely one of Portland's tamer haunted houses, but who's to complain...plus I don't think I'll have enough time for some of the better ones =/. Nor the money. I just spent 83 bucks on 3 static-x tickets. Good thing they are one of my favorite bands.

This is my twelfth post.

korn, track 11, untouchables

2007-10-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

I recommend any alcoholic slutty straightforward kind of girl to read Chelsea Handler's book My Life Horizontally because it is very inspiring. Also, for the regular person, it is absolutely hilarious. A collection of one night stands gone wrong , drunk adventures full of lies and liars and who doesn't want to read that! [I was only being 12% sarcastic because it's actually worth the read].
I used to be moderately annoyed by her show on television "Chelsea Lately" but now understanding the type of lady she was, it gives me a whole level of respect and admiration, as well as...well, you just have to read the book, it's crazy thinking about people living like that in all reality and I admit, it makes me slightly jealous [the alcohol not the men].

Anyways, I have to kill time so I can finally start writing my paper. Tomorrow, all sober and sane, I will most likely delete this post because it's stupid...but until then...

dick of the day

2007-10-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

I wasn't exactly mean...but I might as well have been. And is it strange of me to feel bad, considering the circumstances?
The conditions of me getting my money back is to hang out with the ex. SO I bring over the most brutal show ever (Metalaco.) because he's into metal, should get a kick out of it. Slightly awkward, I am 'listening' to him even though I am mostly watching the show, besides how long can one listen to an ex talk about how much "fuckin beer I drink. oh god I party so much" etc. horrible etc....
He goes through 3 or 4 coors lite in the hour and perhaps half that I am there, really no big deal, but he turns to me and says "As you can see I drink a lot of beer"...as if I didn't pick up that little fact from the REST of the conversation. Eyeing his gigantic belly (=/ I know, what did I ever see in him?...honestly he was a sweet guy) I lean over and slap it and say "yeah I can tell."
Overdone? Out of bounds?
When I am out the door I say "See you next monday, when I drop off such and such movie [that he asked to borrow] and I pick up my next $100." And thus I leave. That's the only part I actually felt bad about...the fact that I leave on the note of "you still owe me lots of money so it looks like the only reason we are hanging out is for me to get paid" [kind of is], but he brings up the beer comment in a later text saying along the lines of "Don't worry I will sell that car and get your fucking money so you don't ever have to see my fat ass again."
Is he being a drama queen or am I really being a dick?

DO YOU FOLKS LIKE COFFEE?!

2007-10-10T14:10:00.001-07:00

I watched Metalocalypse like 3 or 4 times yesterday. It was brutal. I want to show it to everyone I know. Friends. Family. Enemies. School mates. Future dinner. Past lives. Anyone who appreciates COMEDY and METAL!

this is all

live news coverage

2007-10-07T15:34:00.001-07:00

"The teenagers of America kill hundreds of brain cells every weekend. The future, our children of today, no matter if they are dedicated college students, hard workers, or the average joe, engage in such recreational sports which include sex, drugs, and alcohol. One must wonder, if the previous generations involved themselves in such lewd behavior as much as this one. Was it just as luring a sport as it is now, these Smirnoff drinks and bowls of herb? And the music we hear on the radio, such artists as TOOL and Yeah Yeah Yeahs, with their unusual onstage antics and enticing lyrics, are probably not preventing this type of behavior also. These rock'n'roll bands, the sex appeal and ideas of independence and heartache, create the perpetual background noise that the young adults are never without. The invention of the ipod can allow them to be plugged into the music world twenty-four-seven, oblivious to the worldly going-ons.

Children of today, I ask you is it normal to care little about the future, but rather focus only on the present? The next school exam perhaps, or the next high, whether from life or chemical substances. Because this youth of ours is so fleeting, we figure that an open mind and an adventurous heart will allow us the time of our young lives, before submitting to the housewives, to the lawyers, to the offices and to the bills."

Oh em gee, TOOL is touring West Coast. Portland show December 5th!!! After seeing this concert, I can safely say I would be willing to die and still say I lead a fulfilling life. Except I'd rather not die and instead continue to witness many other concerts, but you know what I mean. I had an amazing weekend. The Pink Floyd lazer show was rad, the geometric moving images made me feel as if I was actually flying through tunnels and rolling around like a ball, instead of looking at a giant white domed ceiling while seated. This week should go by fast: no school monday [doctor's appointment], no school friday [teacher work day], no english wednesday and michael ian black show, work thursday...

I now have to stop procrastinating and start on my homework. adieu

sunday splendor forest

2007-09-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Polish Festival is this weekend! I went last night with my parents and met Shannon there. A lot of people showed up despite the weather. All the previous years it's been on a hot hot weekend, but here in the Pacific Northwest our summer's already ended. I definitely don't mind the rain, but perhaps some sun a little longer? But everyone knows my favorite weather is blue skies and bright sun, but frosty temperatures. Creates a good atmosphere for walks with hot chocolate.

I was able to see some friends from High School this weekend. People I haven't hung out with in a while, or haven't even seen for a year and a half. People who haven't changed necessarily in style or physical attributes, but a change in the way they talk, perhaps, or who they choose to hang out with, or who their boyfriend/girlfriend is. These sorts of things are amusing since it's usually seeing very proper "good" people use more profanity than I do. Interesting times.

I love Sundays. I love finishing up homework and then having time to pretty much just lie around and read. Maybe go on the computer. Mostly just lie around. Except I haven't finished my hw yet so it isn't as blissful as it should be.

One of the best foods in life: macaroni & cheese [from a box]. I used to hate that stuff. Also: delicious fruit Italian sodas from Target. Nothing of substance. I guess the philosophical mood hasn't hit me just yet. Except it might be true. That single guys and single girls can't be just friends. Because sometimes that would be nice. But other times it's better how it is anyway.

survival

2007-09-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through the first week of school. I awake at 6:30/7:30, go to school at 8/9, and am done by eleven. It goes by really quickly, leaving me with lots of free time. Time for homework and some small work hours. Time for walks and getting lost. Um, I put out a lot of resumes and applications on wednesday. Peet's Coffee is promising, as they had a job fair and on-the-spot-interviews. I think I impressed her with my awesomeness.

But I don't feel so awesome right now...so maybe I will blog later =/

this is the end

2007-09-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Oh how bittersweet, this feeling of end. This conclusion of time and emotion, and the start of a new era. The beginning of stress, and learning... and distance.

I'm talking about the last day of summer, because tomorrow is the first day of fall quarter! And I feel like an appropriate summary should be made. So I'll will myself to do. I'm such a passionate person, I feel so much emotion [most of it so so bittersweet it almost overwhelms me] about events that shouldn't be felt much about at all. Looking back is both satisfying and frightening...at how quickly it went by.

The beginning of summer seems so far away, almost like a blur. I remember the relief I felt from all the stress of school, of finals and my new plans for the rest of my life. I decided to give up a major in Chemistry, and no longer be a pharmacist, but rather, an English professor. I remember making plans with friends, about going hiking with Deanne, or camping with my boyfriend Dan. I remember the thought of three months of freedom. Of working hard and saving money, of late night drinks and nature walks. God, I could start all over again, I want another three months of freedom, I'm still not ready for school.

But my daydream has to end sometime. I've got to fall from the sky and land in reality sometime. I took a week to go to California, and that was definitely a good experience. It reminded me of who I am. That I love my family, that I love rock music and being tough. It reminded me that I don't need to be dragged down by people of no vision, no hope. And it reminded me of how I am pretty, and desireable, how I shouldn't be afraid of rejection, when what is objectionable is not always obvious. In short, my brother helped me out a lot.

Not two weeks later I broke up with Dan. We had dated for sixteen months. Much longer than either of us thought. He had plans for us, to live together, to drink together. And that was it. I .......I never had plans for us. From the beginning, the first kiss and the ultimate attraction, I never thought to the future, but the now. At least with him. I knew that it wouldn't be a lasting one but one based on fun. Maybe that's why it didn't work out. But I thank God it didn't.

It was the second time we broke up [we got back together two weeks later the first time], but I knew it would be the final time. I didn't want to hurt him. But I didn't want to be hurting. See pure lonliness drove me back, not because I still loved him, but the fact of going from having someone to always lean on, to not having anyone at all...that was complete lonliness.

It was fate itself that I started hanging out with Anthony from work the exact day after I ended my relationship. I hadn't hung out with a male friend in sixteen months. It was new. It was exciting. And it definitely helped build me up. Build up my confidence and my people skills and my true personality. As a friend, he helped me get away from lonliness.

The Second part, as I like to call it, was both an awesome and trying summer time. I worked a lot, which I loved, and played a lot. I went to a many concerts, I watched a lot of Avatar =D, I cried some, but only once. And there's no need to say how much I drank. Because before, going to the same damn house with the same fucking gross beer [Coors lite] was too boring. Not to say that many of the times I refused to go to Dan was because I was honestly too tired from work, and just had more hours in the morning. But with my new friend, it was always about what I wanted, and even now I feel like a spoiled little girl. It's been too long since I've felt like that.

And then came the empty weekend, when I had planned on going to rod run, but instead was immensely bored, those four days off of work, only too ready to go back to my job. I soon find that I have three weeks of little to no hours. The club is slow, and there's almost a certain agenda against me, my poor work skills [thus the training], the little hints that I should move on.

Most details left out it was both a slow and a good summer. Slow in the beginning, but good at the end. I can honestly say it was ended in the best way, and that last night was probably the best good night kiss I've ever had.

So bring on school and stress, and hopefully, love.

twelve levels of camping

2007-09-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

I went camping last night, at Sunset Falls. Washington is so absolutely beautiful. Pretty easy drive, very scenic, I had some difficulty getting the right road with some moderate backtracking but overall we made it. I found the exact spot I went camping with the Twins a couple years back, it has direct creek access and is away from the road with lots of possible tent clearings, a big firepit made by someone, and for some reason large boulders in these circular designs.
I brought a boombox and bought batteries, but of course not enough batteries, so I had a lot of quiet nature time to myself, since camping partner slept until 4:30! But one would be surprised about what sort of sounds your mind makes when alone in nature. Crows and trickling water and birds sometimes sounds like children laughing, which is moderately creepy.
It was a lot of fun, of course, despite the night's temperature. A sleeping bag and three blankets apparently weren't enough because it was COLD COLD COLD COLD COLD. Good thing I was twelve levels of intoxicated or else that might've been a much more unpleasant situation. Instead I felt cold but slept right through it.
I'll spare the camping drunk details but we've decided it's our official spot now.
In more good news I'm up in Seattle with Shannon tomorrow. We are on a museum and dinosaur mission. It will be gloriously educational.

omg tequila

2007-09-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Many say that witches favor cats because they are the physical portayal of a metaphysical being. Able to go between this world and the next, cats possess a defiance and self-confidence necessary for such spiritual translations. Their eyes glow at night, when caught in certain light, and they are armed with wit, balance, and sharp implements. These very elements are what give them such an otherworldy appearance. Feline grace is woven hand in hand with the supernatural appeal.
And I met two such nice and witchy-looking cats when on a pleasant walk the other night. And very witch-looking houses. I wish I were a witch. And I don't mean in the generic "Harry Potter" sence, nor the haunting Mayfare witches [Anne Rice's the Witching Hour, although I just started reading it and haven't actually reached the part about any witches, but so far the book is slightly haunting with it's hand-oracles and gentlemen ghosts and whatnot]. But rather the "I lead a normal life but with certain enhancements" type of witch. I would make potions and catechize the night skies to help a friend's love-situation or badluck run. I would make soups in the same cauldron I make goodluck guck. On Halloween my house is the most decorated and the pumpkins on my doorstep are magically animated. My favorite shoes are 17th century victorian lace-up boots with a curled toe, but most of my wardrobe is Target haha.

Anyway I digress, I digress.
I thought a main character was going to die, in the last Harry Potter. SPOILERS!! And him dying then coming back doesn't count, but I was very shocked about one of the twin's death. And then the epilogue was a little lame, and there were too many kids and names at once. But overall very enthralling, quick and good read. I'm now onto The Book of Joby I randomly found at Borders and convinced someone to buy. About a bet between Lucifer and God. The language is a little heavy, but I think it's well written so far [isn't that a straight up contradiction?] The main character is a young boy...so that was definitely unexpected.
yum, books

apologies

2007-09-13T18:30:00.001-07:00

I left in a bit of a hurry last time before I could properly finish my post. And you've probably guessed why I left so abruptly [spaghetti]...but now I have a quiet moment to arrange my thoughts.

I bought koRn tickets today, teehee, the show will be both awesome and hilarious at the same time. As much as I absolutely love rock, the NU metal bands still make me laugh. It'll be on the 28th of October and I've heard rumours that many of the attendees will be dressed up for halloween. As insecure with myself as I am, this oppurtunity to be in full-fledge costume during a public event [and not specifically on Halloween the day] cannot be passed up. I'm thinking....'50s housewife zombie? Any objections? I hope the group I'm going with will also dress up. And then, just five days later, I've got another show, STATIC-X!! Hopefully tickets won't be so insanely expensive [korn and friends was $45 not including tax for floor at the rosegarden]. And there will be lots of dancing, since X has influences of industrial.

Which reminds me I must retell my first Combichrist show! Basically lots of intruiging goth/industrial/weirdo people in a small area, all dancing to the rhythmic tunes of Netherlands band Combichrist. They played a really good set, but only played one more song after the encore. I think...I can't remember because it's already been a while back. I should've bought a t-shirt but oh well.

I've got a bit of a weekend planned. I haven't been to work this week, since my intense and hard working dedication is payed off with two weeks unemployment. What a rage that set me in! I immediately texted my love [Jenna] and retreated to, as I refer it "the Safehouse" for some avatar R&R and whatnot. She always puts me in a good mood =)! Anyway I went in for my check today and was hit with questions such as "oh wow I thought you were layed off and I was totally pissed!"

Yeah, that was definitely shocking. Good thing one of the "boss-men" was there and he said they will need me on Saturday. So I get at least one day of pay. And it's a banquet event so the gratuity will be automatic[ly set]. Friday, love comes over for Vancouver adventures, and maybe saturday night I'll go out to Bryan and Erin's apartment with Tony. Sunday...oh the ball is up my friends.

introduction to the 12 steps

2007-09-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hello. I think I'll start this off with a proper introduction.
My name is Patricia B. I decided to start this blog from an impulse of sitting in my friend Jenna's kitchen, awaiting the delicious spaghetti that she's cooking, and her talking of her renewed blogging dedication. So you see, this isn't my first. Probably won't be my last. But I'll try to make it as interesting as possible.

The term "rubicon" doesn't mean the awesome Jeep automobile, but instead:
Ru·bi·con (rōō'bĭ-kŏn') Pronunciation Key
n. A limit that when passed or exceeded permits of no return and typically results in irrevocable commitment.

So you see, I am making a comparison between my own life, and the noun rubicon. There aren't necessarily any steps, but rather, these blogs that will lead you beyond the point of return, and into the mundane life of me.

dinner time...